I'm better. Because I'm out.

When I was young, I didn't want to be a gay, but at the same time, I just didn't know how to get along with boys. I just didn't know how to relate with them. But when it comes to girls, I'm always very happy and it's like I can talk about anything. And I remember in my 4th grade, I liked boys in our classroom. Most of the time they believe I'm straight, some do have their doubts, but since I tend to hide my real self then everyone ends up believing i'm straight. I remember when I was in elementary, miraculously, I had a friend. He was a guy. And I was surprised because we were having a good time talking with one another, not until I had a crush on him, after which he just stayed away from me. But when I moved to another school and visited that school a year later, I asked him and he told me he never really was mad at me for that.

Another thing I remember from high school was that, on my first year, I used to hang out with really straight guys. The sort of bullies in the campus, and I hang out with them since we enjoy computer games together. And I really liked one of them so much, that I really told him how I felt, and it ruined the entire group hahaha! Now I'm another place and whenever we recall it (since we're still quite connected in facebook), we just laugh ourselves out.

When I stepped into college, same thing happened. I liked this guy, and another one, and another one, all was kept secret except the first one who was kinda like the campus crush. Hey I forgot to mention I also liked girls, in fact some tease and match me up with some girls ahahahh.. I would love to have a family one day, when I get mature and stable already, but when I think of guys it's like I go crazy. During my 2nd year in college I had a short term relationship or girlfriend. She's a wonderful woman, and when news spread out about the two of us having a relationship all the guys got really shocked. I loved her so much to the point I was willing to go to a campus everyday just to be able to stay with her. However, I knew she knew and we even talked about my past when I used to like guys (and even during our relationship). She just accepted me, that's why I loved her so much.

When we broke up I really got messed up, and I think that's one reason I'm now who I am. I'm outwardly bi. I like girls and guys. But i'm more feminine ( in mind ) than masculine. Sometimes when I meet those who knew me before, I tend to act masculine ahahah.. And now I'm kinda feel single every time in the mood to go with Bi friends, I'm starting to like another guy whom I know he knows how I feel. I really didn't care if get anything in return, but I just don't wanna be hurt by him in any way, may it be with gay jokes or what. I told my mom, but my mom just told me she just don't know how to help me not to be a gay. However she never despised me for it.

Now i'm not into any relationship ( platonic only ),  but all I want is to be single ( for now ). Maybe part of the reason is that I was badly hurt with my previous relationship. If ever I get another girlfriend, or a boyfriend(?), my point in having one is to get into a satisfying relationship, wherein I can express myself, and just love my partner and be loved for who I am. I've never been this me, and now I'm in the stage of accepting myself for who I am, because all of my life I really had a problem accepting my own imperfections. But now I'm better. Because I'm out.